Not a day goes by that I open my eyes, and have a lot of gratitude that I can actually see. I do not have a 20/20 vision. Since I was a teenager I had Myopia and wore glasses. I despised it. I just couldn’t stand how I looked, whereas the rest of the girls in my class could see and I felt they looked pretty. I hated how I looked, I had names Nerdy, Four Eyes, Geek, Soda Glasses. Over the year’s, growing up, I felt a sweet comfort behind those glasses. They helped me see. When asked to take it off, I would shudder and go all negative and insecure. They were my solace and I hardly took them off.
With new age technology came better lens that could be worn longer. I wore lens, very rarely, only for special occasions or outings as it was a chore to maintain them. Even all through, at times I always wished I had good vision. I would at times, close my eyes for the longest period and hoped when I opened my eyes I could see without glasses.
Early 2011, I had just returned from a fabulous trip, everything in the New year looked promising. But as the days go by I began feeling discomfort in my eyes. Waking up, I would find it very difficult to see clearly even with glasses. I kept cleaning them thinking they were greasy. I figured I needed good sleep and it would pass. But it started going down hill super fast.
On visit to the doctors initially, they figured, my power had gone up and I needed new prescriptions. So I did just that, a month and half later and four new prescriptions in hand. I was unable to see clearly. I prayed hard that it was just a passing phase, and nothing serious. I had just paid a down payment for my new apartment. I was now scared I would lose my job and go in debt. Worse my life would cease if I couldn’t see.
Here, about 2 months into, poor vision, looking at my phone – it just emitted light. Any label on bottles or things around, it was just all blurry. I was losing my mind. I began growing very bitter and annoyed with every passing day. If I cried my eyes hurt like hell. So I had to keep calm.
One of the ophthalmologists suggested I go see the doctors at a top Eye Hospital in Bangalore Narayana Nethralaya .The doctors were quick to diagnose my vision impairment to a very rare eye disease called Superficial Keratitis – where the top layer of my cornea in both eyes were affected (bilateral). So basically my eyes to anyone looking at me, could see scratch marks or more so resembled a shattered mobile screen. My eyes had turned grey.
It was diagnosed and had a remedy, the doctors told me it would be temporary blindness. And I was suggested time off work, as I just could not see anything. My younger sister was my only guardian angel at that time. Everything in our house was placed in order so I do not trip and hurt myself. My eyes got worse fairly quickly.
My hearing got very sharp over the months, which is a good thing! I listened to a lot of music and just slept mostly to avoid the pain and discomfort. I couldn’t even see how I looked in the mirror. It was really hard to see, and I started recognizing folks by their voice. I felt unattractive and wanted to know how I looked, society teaches us a lot of things but not to cope when things get rough. In this time of despair I still wondered how I looked to the outside world. Was I presentable? Was some food particle stuck in my teeth? My mind was working over time, with such insane thoughts, of will I be able to see, will I get back to being a normal person and work again, and live to pay another bill? Would I have to have some one look after me and for how long?
I began to meditate, and learn to heal from within, I told myself, this is your time off. I worked at Goldman Sachs then and pretty long gruesome hours that too, so this was my turn to detox and unwind. The doctors reassured me, this was temporary so I told my mind to hush and focus on getting better rather than focus on the ”What if’s?”
I was under medication, and had eye drops which had to be refrigerated. It had to be administered twice a day. My sister was the nurse.
We all take a lot of things for granted every single day, we crib for silly little things. We set aside hate for no reason. We look at ourselves with so much negativity. We compare with the rest of the world, of what little we have or want.
My eye sight started getting better over the months, and I felt my self esteem coming back with it, I kept a positive sign and always smiled as that was the biggest asset I had. The smell of sweet grass, flowers, food, was over whelming more so now that I could see again. I discovered you do not need sight to be happy, but life is what you make of it. Yes having all senses is the best feeling. Only if we learn to appreciate what is around us.
My vision did return but not 20/2o (Sigh, how I hoped those drops would do wonders). I like my look with glasses now, I have a pair each to go with different outfits for work. I still continue to open my eyes every morning and give thanks of what ever I can see around me. I need my glasses at all times. I however, try and do things with out them in the mornings or if I am at home. My alarm, reads “Wake up Beautiful, its time to Conquer the World.” and this helps me wake up with a smile and get ready and set to conquer the day!
I see things with a whole new perspective now, yes there are days I feel low and negative, but I am quick to bounce out of it as I remember the time I went blind, and I am not anymore. Happiness comes from within, that little voice inside your head, teach it to speak well and with high regard!
Yes I can see, I have another chance to see my reflection in the mirror and compliment myself ever so often. I do not wait for someone else to tell me how I look. I dress well like its my last, I dress to impress Myself! Because I know I am beautiful and so are YOU. <3
This is just first part of how I changed my thinking, in the same year and the subsequent year I had two more tragedies that made me change for the better. I am more stronger that I look now, but stay tuned for the other blogs out soon.
Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read my blog! Remember #attitudeofgratitude is what you need to pull through another day. And just smile, it really helps ease the mind!
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